18/10 – How hard can it be? #2 – Just want a car and a ticket, or at least one of the two.

Take a deep breath, start counting, focus, have a look around – no punch bags to use, continue counting past 10, try to smile to make yourself feel better, continue counting, close your eyes, focus harder, more counting. This is getting really hard now. I need to use all my efforts to convince myself that I’m not 5 years old. And therefore, it would not be a good idea to lie down on the floor and cry while kicking the floor with my legs and waiving my arms at everyone and everything as much as I can in a hysterical manner. That would probably just cause even more frustration in the end, after being taken care of whomever who thinks that that’s not how a 31 year old is supposed to behave at an airport.

You would think booking a rental car and buying a ticket would be peanuts in the cyber world we’re living in. Nah…not there yet really. All variations are possible, or impossible. Cannot book on the internet with an international credit card, cannot pay at the airport because you need to book on the internet, cannot book at the airport if picking the car up at Copacabana, cannot pay with VISA, cannot book without a Brazilian CPF, cannot pay with points, cannot pay at all. What the…? Can I just buy a complete plane somewhere? With a sexy pilot? And steal a car perhaps? After spending 2 hrs collecting frustration and feeling even more like a 5 year old after getting both hungry and tired as well, I finally manage to complete one of the missions – Fortaleza, here I come!

15/10 – A winning concept, which stumbles and falls just before crossing the finish line.

They were so close to having me, only an easy downhill transport stretch before the finish line. The music, the interiors, the atmosphere, the looks of the guys behind the bar, their clothes, the sofas, the design of the black board menu, the content of the menu, the name of the drinks – everything. They could have turned on the autopilot and just relaxed, let the everyday routine actions take care of the rest and they would have arrived safely and had me in their pocket.

Then this unexpected obstacle was thrown in front of them on the track, and it could easily have been ignored if it wasn’t for my honesty. The honesty that was triggered mainly because of that they were still on a straight scoring path at this point and had almost claimed this little box in my “me like” part of my brain.

– That’ll be 38 krona for the juice please.

– Hm…I thought the 16 oz. ones were 50 krona?

– Oh…yeah, they are…hm…sorry…

– But now I will of course get it for 38 since I pointed it out, right?

– Of course, my mistake, thanks for highlighting it though.

Here we’re still fine, couldn’t be better, even climbed an extra notch on the ladder thanks to the last reply from behind the bar. Then, the manager suddenly drops his attention from the mixer, turns his head to the cute guy behind the counter and quickly puts an end to this silly customer service and goodwill manners. If it says 50 krona, 50 krona it is. Basta!

The winning concept comes to a full stop on the course, stumbles, falls and makes a massive face plant. So close, so not necessary. In no time they’ve lost me, when they could have had me.

11/10 – Interpreter needed – English to English please.

Anyone ever come across these high tech gym equipment called “Fixed Bar” (aka Wall Bar) or “Dumbbells”? They seem to be extremely advanced, at least based on the instruction notes.

Think I need some help explaining what I’m supposed to do with them, especially the moving of the “uncountable fibres” and “nervous connections”. And what do I need to protect my hands from?

Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate that they’ve taken the effort to translate all the signs and information for all us foreigners. I would probably still be at the 6th floor trying to figure out how to use the dumbbells if I had to figure in Portuguese.

10/10 - The Sex and the City Syndrome

Latin name:             Sapatos Altos Compulsarum

Incubation time:

Normally about 25-35 years. The incubation time can in many cases be delayed by undertaking lengthy university studies or other activities with challenging monetary situations. On the contrary, the incubation time can be escalated by, for example, socializing with people who are already showing symptoms or by heritage in some cases. Women, who shows clear city attraction, seem to be more likely to a short incubation time, even though the bank account status has not yet reached a compatible level.

Symptoms:

One of the first symptoms, in the early stages of the syndrome, is inability of deciding not to buy a pair of shoes, which has just been tried on. This will over time escalate into inability of not resisting to try shoes on when in a shop and eventually inability of walking past a shoe shop without entering the same.

The minutes between first seeing the shoes, until standing outside the shop with a flash shopping bag, can in many cases not be described in detail by the affected person. The time period is often referred to as a “soft, greyish blur of happiness” or sudden feelings of “being worth something extra” just that day. Women, who have been suffering from Sapatos Altos for an extensive time, or from aggressive mutations of the syndrome, will also show symptoms like lack of shoe shelf space and abnormal indecisiveness in relation to choosing what to wear due to the magnitude of the available options.

Related syndromes:

Vestidos Curtos Compulsarum – A very close related syndrome, very common to appear together with the Sapatos Altos syndrome. People, who are already suffering from one of the two, seem to be more responsive to also get the other one. However, this might not lead to any increased suffering, since the two normally work very well together to create a uniform exterior.

Esportes Expensivos Compulsarum – In opposite to the Vestidos Curtos, this syndrome does not normally affect the same people as the Sapatos Altos. Brief studies indicate that people suffering from the Esportes Expensivos, might be immune to both the Sapatos Altos and Vestidos Curtos syndromes. In severe cases, this immunity seems to get weaker with time, for example in relation to changes in living environment and addition of friends, who might carry one or more of the contagious syndromes. In cases where the Esportes Expensivos symptoms do not wear off when hit by the Sapatos Altos or Vestidos Curtos, the addition can cause major monetary consequences for the person to be able to deal with the complex combination of the syndromes. In most environments, the two are not very compatible, but have to be prioritised one at the time.

Although there are rare cases of Sapatos Altos among the male population, they are more likely to suffer from the Horlogios Astronomicus Compulsarum. The characteristics are very similar to the Sapatos Altos and have about the same incubation time. Men employed within the oil industry are not seldom extremely exposed and the syndrome is showing signs of being very contagious in small spaces such as smoker’s coffee shacks and in front of oversized screen TVs. Men within sales and marketing are also over represented among the Horlogios Astronomicus victims.

Cure:

The Sapatos Altos syndrome can often go into a latent status if being exposed to unfavourable surroundings. Travelling in remote, or extremely cold, areas have proven efficient. Alternatively, just staying away from shopping areas and city centres may be sufficient, depending on the severity of the syndrome. However, if the absence is only temporary, it can also cause extreme increases in symptoms once back in a benign environment.

Another option is just to learn how to walk properly in your new puppies, keep your head up, shoulders back and enjoy your new nice looking legs.

7/10 – Eh…really?

 Not sure if I want to ask if they’ve ever had problems with just that part of using the elevators. Think I rather be happily unaware of it.

5/10 – How hard can it be? #1 – We just wanted to see a movie.

Setting:

Saturday night. Rain. Two people. One car. One shopping centre.

Plan:

Get something to eat at an à la carte restaurant with a nice view over Botafogo bay and Pão de Açúcar, followed by going to the movies to see a film and then hopefully make it home not too late.

Outcome:

Three hours, one ½ ft Subway Club sandwich and one mango juice later, we were on our way home. In the car. In the rain. Still unaware of what the film would have been like.

Somehow, things can turn the most annoying ways in this country, and when they do, they do it all at ones, or perhaps more one by one, in chronological order: Rain. No film at right time. Hungry. Next cinema. No parking. Finally a spot. No tickets. Order taking too long. Ok juice. Order forgotten about. More hungry. Still no tickets. No other restaurants. Starving. Parking check-out closed. Next floor. Elevator out of order. Que to get out from parking. Still no restaurants. Traffic jam. Subway! Not hungry. Video store closed. Horn on car working extraordinary well. Second video store closed as well. Still raining. Whatever.

How hard can it be? Very apparently.

2/10 – I take my hat off…

…for all the underestimated sportsmen and women within the world of motor sport. The exterior not seldom display jet set lives with lots of beer and party and the attitude of that it’s all about skills. They were born to drive like that, they just get in the car or on the bike and win, and that’s what they do. At the most, they can admit to that they might spend some time behind the wheels every now and then, but just for fun of course. No way. Just like the real surf dudes, there are hours of training behind it. And then I mean the kind of training, which the rest of the sports fanatics would call real training as well. Cardio, weights, sprints until you taste blood and hour after hour on the track, again and again and again. Or massive runs before the sunrise, so no one will actually see you training. That’s what the surfers with the perfect bodies do before they head to the beach to catch the first waves, trust me, even got one to admit it once.

It’s more than 48 hours ago now and I’m still moving in some sort of staccato pattern. My right calf gets sudden cramps and as soon as I lift something heavier than a ball pen, the lactate acid seems to start bubbling in my arms again. Went for run to see if I could soften up a bit - what a joke. Got a PB the other night with 36.58 minutes, but today it felt like I wasn’t even half way around that stupid lake by then.

The thing is, that we’re not talking about an 8 hours enduro race, on muddy tracks while the rain is pouring down in a deep Swedish forest. Or a 72 lap F1 race in 42 degrees boiling sun in a flash city. We’re talking about 2 x 20 minutes in a Brazilian go-cart, with colleagues, a Thursday evening, as a fun and relaxed team-building event. Somehow, I wasn’t the only one moving in slow-mo in the office on Friday. I think most of the department was more or less limping around, with or without ice packs in strategic places. Perhaps that’s the team building part; comparing aches, bruises and count the number of broken ribs, together with your work mates?

Have to admit that it was, and still is, worth every aching part of my body to beat most of the guys though. Even though it’s just a game…erhm…